Scene5

A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp

cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL

flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with

wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful

YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets. They drag her to a

strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A

strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.



FIRST VILLAGER

We have found a witch. May we burn her?



ALL

A Witch! Burn her!



BEDEVERE

How do you know she is a witch?



ALL

She looks like one. Yes, she does.



BEDEVERE

Bring her forward.



They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up

as a witch.



WITCH

I am not a witch. I am not a witch.



BEDEVERE

But you are dressed as one.



WITCH

They dressed me up like this.



ALL

We didn't, we didn't!



WITCH

This is not my nose, It is a false one.



BEDEVERE takes her nose off.



BEDEVERE

Well?



FIRST VILLAGER

... Well, we did do the nose.



BEDEVERE

The nose?



FIRST VILLAGER

And the hat. But she is a witch.



ALL

A witch, a witch, burn her!



BEDEVERE

Did you dress her up like this?



FIRST VILLAGER

... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.



BEDEVERE

Why do you think she is a witch?



SECOND VILLAGER

She turned me into a newt.



BEDEVERE

A newt?



SECOND VILLAGER

(After looking at himself for some time)

I got better.



ALL

Burn her anyway.



BEDEVERE

Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.



ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest



ALL

There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?



BEDEVERE

Tell me ... what do you do with witches?



ALL

Burn them.



BEDEVERE

And what do you burn, apart from witches?



FOURTH VILLAGER

... Wood?



BEDEVERE

So why do witches burn?



SECOND VILLAGER

(pianissimo)

... Because they're made of wood...?



BEDEVERE

Good.



PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.



ALL

I see. Yes, of course.



BEDEVERE

So how can we tell if she is made of wood?



FIRST VILLAGER

Make a bridge out of her.



BEDEVERE

Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?



ALL

Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...



BEDEVERE

Does wood sink in water?



ALL

No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To

the pond.



BEDEVERE

Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?



ALL

Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...



ARTHUR

A duck.



They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.



BEDEVERE

Exactly. So... logically ...



FIRST VILLAGER

(beginning to pick up the thread)

If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.



BEDEVERE

And therefore?



ALL

A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.



FOURTH VILLAGER

Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.



BEDEVERE

We shall use my largest scales.



He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of

wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck

in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE checks

each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.



BEDEVERE

Remove the supports.



Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the duck

swing slightly but balance perfectly.



ALL

A witch! A witch!



WITCH

It's a fair cop.



All

Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.



The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding

each other admiringly.



BEDEVERE

Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?



ARTHUR

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.



BEDEVERE

My liege ... forgive me ...



ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction.





ARTHUR

Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,

and join our number at the Round Table?



BEDEVERE

My liege, I am honored.



ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty



ARTHUR

What is your name?



BEDEVERE

Bedevere, my Liege.



ARTHUR

Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!

Scene 4

FOREST



MIX THROUGH to ARTHUR and PATSY riding through the forest. They pass rune

stones. We TRACK with them. CLOSE-UPS of their faces as they ride.

MIX to another TRACKING SHOT of them riding through the forest. They

come to a clearing and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up.



Sound FX of fight.



CUT TO their eyeline. A clearing on the other side of which is a rough

wooden foot-bridge across a stream. At the start of the bridge a

tremendous fight is going on. A huge BLACK KNIGHT in black armour, his

face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller KNIGHT in

green armour. (Perhaps the GREEN KNIGHT's armour is identical to the

BLACK KNIGHT's save for the colour.)



CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY. They watch, growing more impressed

as they watch the fight.



CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT lunges at the BLACK KNIGHT, who

avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the sword

out of the GREEN KNIGHT's hand.



CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY even more impressed.



CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT has drawn out a particularly nasty

mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the BLACK KNIGHT's sword.



ARTHUR narrows his eyes, wondering whether the BLACK KNIGHT will survive.



CUT BACK to the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT swings at the BLACK KNIGHT, who

ducks under the first swing, leaps over the second and starts to close

on the GREEN KNIGHT.



CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY watching like a tennis match. Sound FX of the

fight reaching a climax. Four almighty clangs. Then Silence.



CUT BACK to see the GREEN KNIGHT stretched out. The BLACK KNIGHT

sheathes his sword.



ARTHUR looks at PATSY. Nods and they move forward.



CUT BACK TO the BLACK KNIGHT picking up the GREEN KNIGHT above his head

and hurling him into the river. ARTHUR and PATSY approach him.



ARTHUR

You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.



| BLACK KNIGHT

| Who dares to challenge the Black Knight?

|

| ARTHUR

| I do not challenge you.



The BLACK KNIGHT stares impassively and says nothing.



ARTHUR

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.



Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which dosn't come. ARTHUR is

only slightly thrown.



... I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all

the world to join me in my court at Camelot ...



The BLACK KNIGHT remains silent



ARTHUR

You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?



Silence.



| ARTHUR

| A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all

| my knights ...

|

| BLACK KNIGHT

| Never.

|

ARTHUR

You make me sad. But so be it. Come Patsy.



As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way.



BLACK KNIGHT

None shall pass.



ARTHUR

What?



BLACK KNIGHT

None shall pass.



ARTHUR

I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must

cross this bridge.



BLACK KNIGHT

Then you shall die.



ARTHUR

I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.



BLACK KNIGHT

I move for no man.



ARTHUR

So be it!



ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT. A furious fight

now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR delivers

a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm at

the shoulder. ARTHUR steps back triumphantly.



ARTHUR

Now stand aside worthy adversary.



BLACK KNIGHT

(Glancing at his shoulder)

'Tis but a scratch.



ARTHUR

A scratch? Your arm's off.



BLACK KNIGHT

No, it isn't.



ARTHUR

(Pointing to the arm on ground)

Well, what's that then?



BLACK KNIGHT

I've had worse.



ARTHUR

You're a liar.



BLACK KNIGHT

Come on you pansy!



Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHTS's

other arm off, also at the shoulder. The arm plus sword, lies on the ground.

ARTHUR

Victory is mine.

(sinking to his knees)

I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...



BLACK KNIGHT

Come on then.



ARTHUR

What?



He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet. ARTHUR gets up still

holding his sword. The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking.



ARTHUR

You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.



BLACK KNIGHT

Had enough?



ARTHUR

You stupid bastard. You havn't got any arms left.



BLACK KNIGHT

Course I have.



ARTHUR

Look!



BLACK KNIGHT

What! Just a flesh wound.

(kicks ARTHUR)



ARTHUR

Stop that.



BLACK KNIGHT

(kicking him)

Had enough ... ?



ARTHUR

I'll have your leg.



He is kicked.



Right!



The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off.

The BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty.



BLACK KNIGHT

I'll do you for that.



ARTHUR

You'll what ... ?



BLACK KNIGHT

Come Here.



ARTHUR

What are you going to do. bleed on me?



BLACK KNIGHT

I'm invincible!



ARTHUR

You're a looney.



BLACK KNIGHT

The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!



ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.



BLACK KNIGHT

All right, we'll call it a draw.



ARTHUR

Come, Patsy.



ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.



BLACK KNIGHT

Running away eh? You yellow bastard, Come back here and take

what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

Scene3

3 EXTERIOR - DAY



ARTHUR and PATSY riding. They stop and look. We see a castle in the

distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying

to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig. ARTHUR and

PATSY ride up, and stop before the PEASANT



ARTHUR

Old woman!



DENNIS

Man!



ARTHUR

Man. I'm sorry. Old man, What knight live in that castle

over there?



DENNIS

I'm thirty-seven.



ARTHUR

What?



DENNIS:

I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.



ARTHUR:

Well - I can't just say: "Hey, Man!'



DENNIS

Well you could say: "Dennis"



ARTHUR

I didn't know you were called Dennis.



DENNIS

You didn't bother to find out, did you?



ARTHUR

I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind

you looked ...



DENNIS

What I object to is that you automatically treat me like

an inferior ...



ARTHUR

Well ... I AM king.



DENNIS

Oh, very nice. King, eh! I expect you've got a palace and fine

clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how d'you get that?

By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist

dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our

society! If there's EVER going to be any progress ...



An OLD WOMAN appears.



OLD WOMAN

Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ... Oh!

how d'you do?



ARTHUR

How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons ...

can you tell me who lives in that castle?



OLD WOMAN

King of the WHO?



ARTHUR

The Britons.



OLD WOMAN

Who are the Britons?



ARTHUR

All of us are ... we are all Britons.



DENNIS winks at the OLD WOMAN.



... and I am your king ....



OLD WOMAN

Ooooh! I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were

an autonomous collective ...



DENNIS

You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship,

A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ...



OLD WOMAN

There you are, bringing class into it again ...



DENNIS

That's what it's all about ... If only -



ARTHUR

Please, please good people. I am in haste. What knight lives in

that castle?



OLD WOMAN

No one live there.



ARTHUR

Well, who is your lord?



OLD WOMAN

We don't have a lord.



ARTHUR

What?



DENNIS

I told you, We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take

it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.



ARTHUR

Yes.



DENNIS

... But all the decision of that officer ...



ARTHUR

Yes, I see.



DENNIS

... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority

in the case of purely internal affairs.



ARTHUR

Be quiet!



DENNIS

... but a two-thirds majority ...



ARTHUR

Be quiet! I order you to shut up.



OLD WOMAN

Order, eh -- who does he think he is?



ARTHUR

I am your king!



OLD WOMAN

Well, I didn't vote for you.



ARTHUR

You don't vote for kings.



OLD WOMAN

Well, how did you become king, then?



ARTHUR

The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,

held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by

Divine Providence ... that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ...

That is why I am your king!

|

| OLD WOMAN

| Is Frank in? He'd be able to deal with this one.

|

DENNIS

Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out

swords ... that's no basis for a system of government. Supreme

executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from

some farcical aquatic ceremony.



ARTHUR

Be quiet!



DENNIS

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power

just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!



ARTHUR

Shut up!



DENNIS

I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some

moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would

put me away!



ARTHUR

(Grabbing him by the collar)

Shut up, will you. Shut up!



DENNIS

Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system.



ARTHUR

Shut up!



PEOPLE (i.e. other PEASANTS) are appearing and watching.



DENNIS

(calling)

Come and see the violence inherent in the system.

Help, help, I'm being repressed!



ARTHUR

(aware that people are now coming out and watching)

Bloody peasant!

(pushes DENNIS over into mud and prepares to ride off)



DENNIS

Oh, Did you hear that! What a give-away.



ARTHUR

Come on, patsy.



They ride off.



DENNIS

(in the background as we PULL OUT)

did you see him repressing me, then? That's what I've

been on about ...

Scene2

2 ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE - DEATH AND DEVASTATION



CUT TO Terry Gilliam's sequence of Brueghel prints. Sounds of

strange medieval music. Discordant and sparse. Wailings and

groanings. The last picture mixes through into live action.

BIG CLOSE UP of contorted face upside down. A leg falls across

it. Creaking noise. The bodies lurch away from CAMERA to

reveal they are amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart

that is lumbering away from CAMERA. It is pulled by a couple of

ragged, dirty emaciated WRETCHES. Behind the cart walks another

MAN who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale

of complete and utter impoverishment. He wears a black hood and

looks sinister.



CART DRIVER

Bring out your dead!



We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden

village. A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging.

In the open doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of

legs dangling from the ceiling. In another doorway an OLD WOMAN

is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat.

The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud. And a MAN

tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four NUNS with

huge mallets.



CART DRIVER



Bring out your dead!



There are legs stick out of windows and doors. Two MEN are fighting

in the mud - covered from head to foot in it. Another MAN is on his

hands in knees shovelling mud into his mouth. We just catch

sight of a MAN falling into a well.



CART DRIVER

Bring out your dead!



LARGE MAN

Here's one!



CART DRIVER

Ninepence.



BODY

I'm not dead!



CART DRIVER

What?



LARGE MAN

Nothing... There's your ninepence.



BODY

I'm not dead!



CART DRIVER

'Ere. He says he's not dead.



LARGE MAN

Yes he is.



BODY

I'm not!



CART DRIVER

He isn't.



LARGE MAN

He will be soon. He's very ill.



BODY

I'm getting better!



LARGE MAN

You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.



CART DRIVER

I can't take him like this. It's against regulations.



BODY

I don't want to go on the cart.



LARGE MAN

Don't be such a baby.



CART DRIVER

I can't take him.



BODY

I feel fine.



LARGE MAN

Do me a favour.



CART DRIVER

I can't.



LARGE MAN

Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes. He won't

be long.



CART DRIVER

I promised I'd be at the Robinson's. They've lost nine

today.



LARGE MAN

When's your next round?



CART DRIVER

Thursday.



BODY

I think I'll go for a walk.



LARGE MAN

You're not fooling anyone you know.

(to CART DRIVER)

Isn't there anything you could do?



BODY

(singing unrecognisably)

I feel happy... I feel happy.



The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment. Then they both

do a quick furtive look up and down the street. The CART DRIVER

very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot

but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)



LARGE MAN

(handing over the money at last)

Thanks very much.



CART DRIVER

That's all right. See you on Thursday.



They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching

forelocks etc. ARTHUR and PATSY ride into SHOT, slightly nose to

the air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody. After

they pass, the LARGE MAN turns to the CART DRIVER.



LARGE MAN

Who's that then?



CART DRIVER

(Grudgingly)

I dunno, Must be a king.



LARGE MAN

Why?



CART DRIVER

He hasn't got shit all over him.

Scene 1

"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



1 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY



Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence

possibly, atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787".

after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.

They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR

followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts

together. ARTHUR raises his hand.



ARTHUR

Whoa there!



SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR

peers through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder:

castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle

battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down.



SOLDIER

Halt! Who goes there?



ARTHUR

It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle

of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,

sovereign of all England!



Pause.



SOLDIER

Get away!



ARTHUR

I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the

length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join

our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.



SOLDIER

What? Ridden on a horse?



ARTHUR

Yes!



SOLDIER

You're using coconuts!



ARTHUR

...What?



SOLDIER

You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging

them together.



ARTHUR

(Scornfully)

So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this

land, through the kingdom of Mercea.



SOLDIER

Where did you get the coconuts?



ARTHUR

Through ... We found them.



SOLDIER

Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!



ARTHUR

What do you mean?



SOLDIER

Well, this is a temperate zone.



ARTHUR

The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin

or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are

not strangers to our land.



SOLDIER

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?



ARTHUR

Not at all. They could be carried.



SOLDIER

What? A swallow carrying a coconut?



| ARTHUR

| Why not?

|

| SOLDIER

| I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight

| inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky

| to find a coconut under a pound.

|



ARTHUR

It could grip it by the husk ...



SOLDIER

It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple

matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not

hold a a one pound coconut.



ARTHUR

Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that

Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.



A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.



SOLDIER

Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat

its wings four hundred and ninety three times every

second. right?



ARTHUR

(irritated)

Please!



SOLDIER

Am I right?



ARTHUR

I'm not interested.



SECOND SOLDIER

(who has loomed up on the battlements)

It could be carried by an African swallow!



FIRST SOLDIER

Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European

swallow. that's my point.



SECOND SOLDIER

Oh yes, I agree there ...



ARTHUR

(losing patience)

Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights

of Camelot?!



FIRST SOLDIER

But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.



SECOND SOLDIER

Oh yes.



ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn

and go off into the mist.



FIRST SOLDIER

So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.



SECOND SOLDIER



Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?



FIRST SOLDIER

No, they'd have to have it on a line.



Stillness. Silence again.

It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon [...]

Tu aimes la déconne, ne jamais te prendre au sérieux, tu as de l'humour à revendre...Ben t'es bien tombé vieux! Ici c'est le paradis de ceux qui aime les Monty Python. Mais surtout pour le film "Sacré Graal"!!!!!