Scene5

A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp

cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL

flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with

wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful

YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets. They drag her to a

strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A

strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.



FIRST VILLAGER

We have found a witch. May we burn her?



ALL

A Witch! Burn her!



BEDEVERE

How do you know she is a witch?



ALL

She looks like one. Yes, she does.



BEDEVERE

Bring her forward.



They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up

as a witch.



WITCH

I am not a witch. I am not a witch.



BEDEVERE

But you are dressed as one.



WITCH

They dressed me up like this.



ALL

We didn't, we didn't!



WITCH

This is not my nose, It is a false one.



BEDEVERE takes her nose off.



BEDEVERE

Well?



FIRST VILLAGER

... Well, we did do the nose.



BEDEVERE

The nose?



FIRST VILLAGER

And the hat. But she is a witch.



ALL

A witch, a witch, burn her!



BEDEVERE

Did you dress her up like this?



FIRST VILLAGER

... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.



BEDEVERE

Why do you think she is a witch?



SECOND VILLAGER

She turned me into a newt.



BEDEVERE

A newt?



SECOND VILLAGER

(After looking at himself for some time)

I got better.



ALL

Burn her anyway.



BEDEVERE

Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.



ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest



ALL

There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?



BEDEVERE

Tell me ... what do you do with witches?



ALL

Burn them.



BEDEVERE

And what do you burn, apart from witches?



FOURTH VILLAGER

... Wood?



BEDEVERE

So why do witches burn?



SECOND VILLAGER

(pianissimo)

... Because they're made of wood...?



BEDEVERE

Good.



PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.



ALL

I see. Yes, of course.



BEDEVERE

So how can we tell if she is made of wood?



FIRST VILLAGER

Make a bridge out of her.



BEDEVERE

Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?



ALL

Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...



BEDEVERE

Does wood sink in water?



ALL

No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To

the pond.



BEDEVERE

Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?



ALL

Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...



ARTHUR

A duck.



They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.



BEDEVERE

Exactly. So... logically ...



FIRST VILLAGER

(beginning to pick up the thread)

If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.



BEDEVERE

And therefore?



ALL

A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.



FOURTH VILLAGER

Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.



BEDEVERE

We shall use my largest scales.



He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of

wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck

in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE checks

each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.



BEDEVERE

Remove the supports.



Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the duck

swing slightly but balance perfectly.



ALL

A witch! A witch!



WITCH

It's a fair cop.



All

Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.



The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding

each other admiringly.



BEDEVERE

Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?



ARTHUR

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.



BEDEVERE

My liege ... forgive me ...



ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction.





ARTHUR

Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,

and join our number at the Round Table?



BEDEVERE

My liege, I am honored.



ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty



ARTHUR

What is your name?



BEDEVERE

Bedevere, my Liege.



ARTHUR

Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!