"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY
Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence
possibly, atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787".
after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.
They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR
followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts
together. ARTHUR raises his hand.
ARTHUR
Whoa there!
SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR
peers through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder:
castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle
battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down.
SOLDIER
Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
sovereign of all England!
Pause.
SOLDIER
Get away!
ARTHUR
I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the
length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join
our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER
What? Ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR
Yes!
SOLDIER
You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR
...What?
SOLDIER
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging
them together.
ARTHUR
(Scornfully)
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
land, through the kingdom of Mercea.
SOLDIER
Where did you get the coconuts?
ARTHUR
Through ... We found them.
SOLDIER
Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR
What do you mean?
SOLDIER
Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin
or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are
not strangers to our land.
SOLDIER
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR
Not at all. They could be carried.
SOLDIER
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
| ARTHUR
| Why not?
|
| SOLDIER
| I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight
| inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky
| to find a coconut under a pound.
|
ARTHUR
It could grip it by the husk ...
SOLDIER
It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple
matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not
hold a a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR
Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that
Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.
SOLDIER
Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat
its wings four hundred and ninety three times every
second. right?
ARTHUR
(irritated)
Please!
SOLDIER
Am I right?
ARTHUR
I'm not interested.
SECOND SOLDIER
(who has loomed up on the battlements)
It could be carried by an African swallow!
FIRST SOLDIER
Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European
swallow. that's my point.
SECOND SOLDIER
Oh yes, I agree there ...
ARTHUR
(losing patience)
Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights
of Camelot?!
FIRST SOLDIER
But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.
SECOND SOLDIER
Oh yes.
ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn
and go off into the mist.
FIRST SOLDIER
So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.
SECOND SOLDIER
Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?
FIRST SOLDIER
No, they'd have to have it on a line.
Stillness. Silence again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY
Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence
possibly, atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787".
after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.
They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR
followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts
together. ARTHUR raises his hand.
ARTHUR
Whoa there!
SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR
peers through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder:
castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle
battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down.
SOLDIER
Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
sovereign of all England!
Pause.
SOLDIER
Get away!
ARTHUR
I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the
length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join
our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER
What? Ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR
Yes!
SOLDIER
You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR
...What?
SOLDIER
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging
them together.
ARTHUR
(Scornfully)
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
land, through the kingdom of Mercea.
SOLDIER
Where did you get the coconuts?
ARTHUR
Through ... We found them.
SOLDIER
Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR
What do you mean?
SOLDIER
Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin
or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are
not strangers to our land.
SOLDIER
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR
Not at all. They could be carried.
SOLDIER
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
| ARTHUR
| Why not?
|
| SOLDIER
| I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight
| inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky
| to find a coconut under a pound.
|
ARTHUR
It could grip it by the husk ...
SOLDIER
It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple
matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not
hold a a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR
Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that
Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.
SOLDIER
Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat
its wings four hundred and ninety three times every
second. right?
ARTHUR
(irritated)
Please!
SOLDIER
Am I right?
ARTHUR
I'm not interested.
SECOND SOLDIER
(who has loomed up on the battlements)
It could be carried by an African swallow!
FIRST SOLDIER
Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European
swallow. that's my point.
SECOND SOLDIER
Oh yes, I agree there ...
ARTHUR
(losing patience)
Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights
of Camelot?!
FIRST SOLDIER
But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.
SECOND SOLDIER
Oh yes.
ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn
and go off into the mist.
FIRST SOLDIER
So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.
SECOND SOLDIER
Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?
FIRST SOLDIER
No, they'd have to have it on a line.
Stillness. Silence again.
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